I'm so tired

It's late. After 4 AM late and I don't want to be up right now. In fact, everyone is telling me to "catch up on your sleep because after the baby arrives..." I'm fully aware that after the baby arrives I will be sleep deprived, but at least the tiredness will have a purpose. For now, I just lay awake in pain or watch TV or close my eyes trying to trick my body into sleeping. It doesn't work.

Pregnancy has not been good for my sleep habits. In fact, during the first trimester, I couldn't go through the night without waking up at least a dozen times. All the stories I heard about women sleeping for 12 hours straight during the first trimester baffled me. Second trimester did bring some relief, but I still didn't sleep well. Now, I am awakened multiple times nightly with pain under my right shoulder blade or in my upper right rib cage. Both relatively normal pregnancy pains. The burgeoning belly puts a strain on my back and I thought the baby was kicking my ribs. Thus, I thought the two symptoms were unrelated until they both hit me like a train a little more than two weeks ago. I could barely breathe and I remembered my mother telling me that her only gall bladder symptom postpartum with Katie was right shoulder blade pain. After about 5-6 hours, the pain subsided a bit, but I was about to drive myself to the emergency room because Craig wasn't home. The next day, I called my OB and they wanted to see me. I went and the baby was fine, which I knew since she was practicing her normal acrobatics and punches. She wasn't in pain, I was. The OB sent me for a scan of my gall bladder. At least I wasn't going crazy relating the two symptoms. Gall bladder issues are actually common in pregnancy and postpartum.

The tests came back with "nothing remarkable." I don't have stones and I was led to believe that I was overreacting. If you know me, I'm not really one to overreact to ailments. I usually under react. But this pain was telling me that something was wrong with my body and while I have not been knocked out for 5-6 hours again, I am in constant pain that worsens at night. I did get a midwife to tell me that I probably do have gall bladder disease but that the lack of stones is a good thing. Duh. I know there's no immediate danger to me or the baby, but this is getting old.

I'm tired of hearing people say, "Oh, this will just prepare you for life with baby!" Thanks. But I don't think the chronic pain I am in will prepare me for life with baby. In fact, I don't think any new parents is really prepared for life with baby, no matter how many sleepless nights they go through prior to life with baby.

Tonight I had a mini-meltdown. I want and need to get stuff done around the house, but the moment I start moving, I am usually in pain again. I wash four dishes and I am in pain. I fold laundry and I am in pain. The nesting urge is definitely there, but the pain stops me. I have to listen to my body and it's telling me to stop.

I'm also tired of people always asking me if I'm ready for this baby. Part of me wonders if anyone is ever truly ready. Another part of me is tired of being reminded that, no, we are absolutely not ready. The look on people's faces when I say we're still getting there, hurts. Like I was supposed to have the nursery completely finished at 7 months, my hospital bag packed at 36 weeks and the car seat installed and inspected at that time, too. The list of things to get accomplished before she arrives, which could be ANY day now, is so long and overwhelming. I also know babies don't truly need much at the beginning, but even that reminder doesn't placate my desire to feel physically prepared to bring her home.

And I'm tired. No, I'm exhausted.

I don't mean to complain and I really have had an uneventful pregnancy. I have tons to be grateful for, but this homestretch is challenging me. Physically. Mentally. I know she's going to arrive in the perfect time and that I will probably forget the tiredness I am feeling right now. I just needed a nonjudgmental outlet. Blogger doesn't stare at me in disbelief when I say I don't have my hospital bag packed. (Erin, it's on my list for tomorrow! I'm starting to feel REALLY uneasy about the lack of bag!)

It's now after 5 and I should probably crawl back in bed and attempt to sleep or something. About this time my body finally succumbs to sleep despite the pain.