This is my favorite

I've been absent from my blog lately. Between work and exhaustion and nausea, I've been tapped to the max. But seeing as I outed myself on Facebook this morning saying I was pregnant, I'll divulge more details on the blog. There have been many times when I wanted to write things down, but I waited until after 12 weeks. Let me explain...

I need to back up a bit and tell you why this tiny dot is my favorite ultrasound ever. This may not look like much to you, but it means the world to me. Back in May, we found out that we were expecting our second child. I called my OB and made my first appointment - right at seven weeks. My appointment was on a Monday, but on the Friday prior to my appointment, I started bleeding. Craig was still at work and Madeline needed dinner, so I kept doing what I was doing. I remember feeling a myriad of emotions, but something I read from Angie Smith's blog kept coming back to me. Her words are better than mine, so I encourage you to read her blog, but my mind drifted to the thought that God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow; He didn't change from the moment the plus sign showed up on the pregnancy test to when I thought I was losing the baby.  I knew, deep down, that there was nothing I could do to keep this baby safe. It was in God's hands and if I was going to miscarry, I was going to miscarry. That fact doesn't change God's goodness.  I called Craig and told him to come home. As I saw the blood (and not just spotting blood...it was bright red blood and way too much of it), I felt so sad. How could something so tiny mean so much to me?

I know this may seem strange to most of you reading this, but I didn't go to the hospital and I didn't want to. Like I said before, I know there is nothing that I, or any doctor, could have done this early in the game to prevent a miscarriage and I much preferred to stay at home and wait things out in comfort rather in a stressful hospital.  I called my OB's office and the on-call midwife called me back. We went through the things I should look for and if/when I should go to the hospital. I tried to relax and not think about it, but that weekend leading up to my appointment was the LONGEST weekend ever. Craig and I canceled our weekend plans and I relaxed.

I went to the doctor not knowing what to expect, but while Craig and I waited for the ultrasound, I told him that I still felt sick. I didn't know if it was nerves or if it was pregnancy-induced nausea, but I still felt pregnant. Since it was so early on, I had a transvaginal ultrasound.  The tech had the screen pointed to where neither Craig nor I could see it and she took her time before telling us there was a tiny heartbeat. It was slow and just barely a blip. I was measuring right at six weeks and that's when the heart starts to beat, so a slow heartbeat is normal. The ultrasound tech also noted a spot where she could tell I had hemorrhaged.  It's called a subcorioninc hemorrhage (or hemotoma) and did put me at a higher risk for miscarriage. I think if the hemorrhage had happened later in the pregnancy it would have been even more of a higher risk simply because it could have caused the placenta to not develop properly. But since it was so early and the yolk sac was still nourishing the baby and not the placenta really, it was fine. There's obviously more to it than that and I honestly didn't want to learn too many details because I would worry myself over them.  The truth was that we just had to wait...and that God is still in control.

I will say that this pregnancy has been more much more difficult. The nausea has been extremely intense, but I'm on the upswing now that I'm 12 weeks along. I still have my bouts and my bad days, but it's not nearly as bad as it was earlier on. And since I couldn't feel the baby (and I still can't), the nausea was a sign that things were still progressing.  Every pregnancy is different and I'm living proof of that!

I have a 12 week picture from Monday that shows the baby's huge head, four limbs and abdomen...the beginning forms of a baby, but it's not my favorite. Nope. This one is:

 

Because it is a reminder of the tiny heartbeat that still was...and is.