Gabriel's birth story

Let me begin by saying that I know that I don't remember the details of Gabe's birth like I do Madeline's.  It was a ROUGH 12 hours, followed by an even rougher 10 days.  I wish I had had time to process his birth but I honestly didn't - and still haven't.  I remember bits and pieces very vividly, but on the whole, it was a "take it a contraction at a time" type of labor.  And I know I have virtually NO recollection of time.  I will have a follow up postpartum visit with my doula sometime in the near future and I'll get her account of the birth at that time (complete with pictures I know she took - pictures that will NOT be shared on the blog, ifyouknowwhatimean. hehe. To see some pics, click here). But I like reading birth stories and I want to preserve Gabe's birth story.  Beware, this is long.  Read on if you wish.  So, without further ado, here's what I do remember.

I woke up Jan 24 at around 5:30 AM with a pretty intense contraction.  I *knew* this was it because it did not feel like a Braxton hicks contraction.  I mentally prepared myself for labor and tried to go back to sleep.  I drifted off and on for 30-40 minutes and realized that the contractions were every 10 minutes.  It was at that time that I woke Craig up and told him I was pretty sure I was in labor.  I took a shower and just took my time.  By the time I was out of the shower, the contractions were closer together and getting more intense.  I wanted to be ready for Madeline when she woke up so I finished getting ready for the hospital in-between contractions.  I think she woke up around 7:30 and by that time, the contractions were still moving closer and closer together and they were getting intense very quickly.  I cuddled with Madeline a bit but Craig took over and I think he made some phone calls to the grandparents to let them know they needed to come pick up Madeline.  He also called our doula to let her know that she was going to be working that day :-) and called the midwife practice and let them know I was in labor.  The office manager wanted me to go to their office first and I didn't see the point - I KNEW I was in labor and didn't need them to verify that.  Thankfully, when the on-call midwife called me back (Margaret), she said I didn't need to go to the office but that by the way I was talking/breathing, she thought I was about 6 cm dilated.  While Madeline was eating breakfast, I figured I should eat something so Craig made me a couple of eggs.

By the time the grandparents arrived around 10 (10:30??? I can't remember!), I was in serious labor.  I didn't want to see them or have Madeline see me in this state.  I waited for a contraction to finish and told Craig he could bring Madeline upstairs and I could say goodbye to her.  She did see me mid-contraction while she was upstairs, but I was leaning on a piece of furniture that she has to stick her nose into for time out and she told Craig and me that I was in time out.  That worked, I said my goodbye and continued to labor.

I distinctly remember the awful, awful back labor I was having.  It was different than Madeline's back labor.  I could rest with Gabe in a reclined position and it not change the pain.  I never thought he was OP like she was because of the difference in pain.  But man alive, Gabe's contractions got intense very fast and were much more painful than Madeline's.  There's no way I would have lasted more than 23 hours without an epidural with Madeline had the contractions been as intense as they were with Gabe.  Her labor was a cake walk (for the most part) compared to his, despite the fact that it was more than double in length. His labor was so intense, that Craig and I left for the hospital right after Madeline was picked up. I wanted to get there (and to have the car ride to the hospital done and over with!).

Craig dropped me off when we showed up and the nice receptionist lady walked me to L&D while Craig parked the car.  I had taken off my glasses en route to the hospital because they were bothering me, so I was blind and contracting while trying to read/sign the paperwork at the triage desk.  It was a blur and I was escorted to a room where Craig and Teresa eventually joined up with me.  It apparently wasn't a labor room, and I eventually moved to another room.  I remember walking in and wanting to punch all the lights, so I turned them all off and closed the blinds. Craig and Teresa showed up at around the same time and I was on my knees leaning over a chair.  And I was thirsty.  Man, was I ever thirsty.  I know I kept complaining of thirst and it always seemed like my water was WAAAAAY over on the other side of the room.  It never seemed within reach.  It was quite awhile before the nurse came in and started the actual triage process and before I could be moved to a real labor room, Gabe had to be monitored for 20 minutes.  To get him to stay still for 20 minutes seemed impossible and I don't actually know how long it took, but I know it took a lot longer than 20 minutes and sitting in that blasted chair was just awful.  And the nurse was MIA the entire time.  Thankfully, Teresa kept trying to get Gabe back on the monitor. And man my back was killing me. The pain moved to my lower back at the end of each contraction and that pain was at times worse than the actual contraction.  Back labor is no bueno, friends.  No bueno.

Eventually, we moved to the labor room, where a water birth had been set up for me.  I never really wanted to deliver in the tub, but I did want to labor in it.  But before I could labor in it, it had to be filled up and I had to be assessed by the midwife.  When she showed up, she took one look at me and said I was dehydrated.  I remember Teresa saying that I was complaining of thirst.  Margaret didn't hesitate and said I needed fluids immediately.  She told me she was so sorry, but that I had to lay on my back.  And while she and my nurse, Holly, tried to get an IV in, I just lay there contraction after contraction as the first attempt didn't work and my vein blew.  Craig was to my left, crouching down next to me and I had tears streaming down my face.  Contraction.  Vein blown in my arm.  There were some hasty words exchanged between Holly and Margaret and Holly wanted to establish the IV in my hand, Margaret didn't. Holly won, and she got the IV in, but I remember feeling the blood burst out of my hand as she inserted the needle.  But I didn't care, the IV was one step closer to being in that tub.  And after the IV was in and fluids pumping inside me, I sunk into that tub.  I don't know how long I stayed there (maybe 4 hours?), but it was much better in than out.  Margaret checked me and I was 6 cm.  I remember feeling like I really, really, really couldn't keep this up for another 4 cm...because when I checked into the hospital when I was in labor with Madeline, I was 6 cm.  It wasn't nearly as difficult to get to a 6 with her and in the back of my mind, I felt like I wasn't ever going to get to 10 cm.  But I let the water take some of my pain away...and I continued to labor.  Craig was beside the tub the entire time and I desperately looked into his eyes a few times.  I wanted my eyes to tell him I couldn't do it anymore because I refused to say the words out loud. 

I took the labor a contraction at a time - just like he kept telling me. One at a time. Back labor and all.  Margaret and Teresa were talking in the background and during a contraction I grunted a little.  I heard them both say it was a good sign.  Margaret came over and told me she was going to check me.  I remember hearing I was at 9 cm.  If there was ever a moment that I thought I could do this, it was at that moment.  I never got to 9 cm on my own with Madeline and it was at that point that I knew this was happening and that I could do it. Margaret kept her hand inside me, told me to push and I pushed to 10 cm.

This was it, no turning back.

Now, prior to actually going through the delivery process of labor and delivery, I assumed the pushing phase would be the easiest.  I had been told that women get a burst of energy when it's time to push and that adrenaline catapults a woman to superhuman strength.  OK, maybe I wasn't told that last part, but that's the way I interpreted it.  Besides, many women told me that the pushing part was the easiest part. I guess I didn't really think about what is actually happening during the delivery.  Ouch.

Lord Almighty, was my interpretation wrong!  I didn't know how long I pushed (but was told later it was an hour), but it was intense.  No, intense isn't the right word to describe it because it was more than intense.  I kept saying that I couldn't do it and I know I was on the verge of hyperventilating. Teresa and Margaret kept telling me to breath, BREATHE, because I was also breathing for Gabe.  I felt like I was the exorcist woman.  I'm not proud of the fact that I was so crazy, but labor is tough.  To those women who remain completely calm, I commend you!  Like I said, I was the exorcist.  I pushed in the tub for a little while and I wanted to get out because I was HOT all of a sudden.  That and the buoyancy just didn't make me feel right anymore. I couldn't bear down enough.  So what did I want to do?

I wanted to sit on the toilet.  Because pushing on the toilet is normal.  Pushing in a tub of water was not normal to me.

Apparently, there was an exchange between Margaret and Holly again...something about the baby falling in the toilet.  It was a blur to me.  But I made it to the toilet and there was a hand towel underneath the seat.  Teresa placed it there (unbeknownst to me), to make everyone happy.  I was just happy to be sitting down and pushing.  One contraction on the toilet and my water literally BURST (24 minutes before Gabe was born).  Craig jumped back (probably got wet with amniotic fluid :-) and asked me what just happened and someone else answered. I continued to push.  A few contractions later, I was on the table with my feet way up in the air and being told to hoist myself up with the makeshift rope Teresa had made out of a bed sheet that was wrapped around the top of the bar where my feet were propped up on.  I was to pull myself up with each contraction.  Once I was in this position, things moved very quickly.  I remember Teresa beaming like this was wonderful and she told me to reach down and touch his head?  Are you kidding me?!?  I could FEEL his head, I didn't need to touch it.  She also told Craig the same thing and he declined as well.  Good man. Margaret was massaging my perineum so I wouldn't tear, and I was told he was almost here...almost here. And I could tell that he was right there...and that ring of fire women talk about?  Wow, yup, I felt that!  I waited through the next contraction...and then I pushed him out.  He was out!  I had done it!  I was shaking uncontrollably as this blue baby was placed on my abdomen. My son was here!

Now, I would like to believe that women say wonderful things when their baby is born.  When Madeline was born, and she was first shown to me, I told her, "You have no idea how loved you are."  When Gabe was born, all I could udder was, "He's so blue. Why is he blue? He's blue."   Margaret said he was fine, that the placenta was still attached and that he was getting oxygen from me, but I kept saying he was blue over and over again.  Looking back, I seriously think I was in a wee bit of shock that a person came out of me.  Things seemed to move in slow motion and one minute I was pregnant and the next there was a human on me. I don't even remember hearing him cry.  I don't remember what I said to Craig.  All I remember is touching this blue baby and sputtering ridiculous words about a blue baby.  Ahhh, what a moment!

I had three tears, two were so minor that Margaret said she didn't need to do anything to them, the third was a 2nd degree tear, so not bad at all. I delivered the placenta, was stitched up and was happy to see that Gabe had turned from a deep shade of blue to a nice shade of pink :-)

To those who prayed for me during this journey - THANK YOU.  The delivery went the way I wanted.  I was SOOOO grateful to be able to walk after Gabe was born and to not be tethered to a catheter.  Anesthesia makes me very light headed and I can't stand up for a day or so. I wouldn't have been able to see Gabe in the NICU had I had an epidural. Talk about a complete blessing!

I've replayed this scenario in my head many times.  If I had stayed with my old practice, would I have ended in a c-section and Gabe never gotten sick (Group B Strep is contracted in the birth canal and after membranes have ruptured, so Gabe's exposure in was literally 24 minutes)? Would they have intervened and broken my water, thus infecting him sooner and the outcome not been positive?  The reality is that he is healthy.  Things turned out the way they should have and nothing was a surprise to God.  Nothing. This wasn't my fault for delivering him vaginally.

And on a personal note, this birth was so incredibly healing for me.  There was always doubt.  I didn't attempt a drug-free birth to prove anything to anyone.  I'm not superwoman and this wasn't a display of "I am woman, hear me roar!"  I'm passionate about 100% natural delivery, and when Madeline's birth ended in a c-section, I was crushed.  I felt like I had failed somehow.  There was this nagging feeling of doubt. To be able to come out on the other side of things and have a complete 180 labor and delivery with Gabe is a blessing.  Gabe is a healthy one month old baby.  The pain is gone, I'm healed and we're trying to find our groove.  Life is good.