To cry or not to cry

I have purposely avoided writing a post about our decision to let Madeline "cry it out." I know many people disagree with this concept. I would have asked for advice had I wanted it. I don't shy away from reader comments and I appreciate diversity. It all goes back to the different camps thing. Formula or breast? Solids at 4 months or wait? Circumsize or not? Cloth or disposables? And on and on and on. Parenting is individual and I really do believe that each camp has pros and cons. In addition, each baby/child is vastly different. I think parents with more than one child can immediately agree about that and what worked for your first may have not worked for your second (or third...). I only have Madeline to relate to, but both Craig and I could tell we had a stubborn and determined little girl from the get-go.

But this is my blog and I do want to document certain things here because I know I will forget the process or the emotions. Or just plain forget.

Deep down inside, I knew we were going to have to let Madeline cry. She showed the ability to soothe herself and I really wanted it to stick, but I also noticed that she could only soothe herself to sleep when she was incredibly exhausted. That's not soothing. That's succumbing to sleep because it's the only thing left. At her 4 month appointment, we talked to the pediatrician about her sleeping. Madeline regularly went to sleep LATE. Too late. She also resisted naps and would really only fall asleep nursing. Talk about time-consuming and demanding for me. Don't get me wrong, I will do anything for Madeline, but when I am walking death, I cannot be a good mother. I need my sleep, too. I need to spend time with my husband. I need to get out of the house every once and a while and recharge my batteries so I can be a good mother and not crack. For the first 3 months, Madeline didn't really know what she was doing, but at 4 months, she was playing me on purpose. Craig knew it before I admitted it, but even I saw it happening. I just didn't want to listen to her cry.

If she woke up at night (sometimes minutes after being put down, sometimes 40ish minutes), she would immediately cry. We would both go in there. I would pick her up and she would enter happy la-la land. I have the milk and she knows it. If I handed her to Craig, she would WAIL. He hands her back and she's all ga-ga-ga again. Other times, Craig would pick her up and she would immediately stop crying and sometimes even laugh and smile. Same thing would happen with me. We were being manipulated by our 12 pound darling.

She's not hungry.
She's dry.
She's sleepy and needs to sleep.
She wakes up and wants us to put her back to sleep.
And she was playing us, especially me.

I get it. We're comforting to her! She started a pattern around 3 and a half months of waking up every hour, hour and a half. She had been sleeping about 3 hours in a row, with a rare stretch of 4-5 hours. When the every-hour-thing started, I would go in there and nurse and she would sometimes eat and sometimes just nurse back to sleep. I can tell the difference between her using me as a pacifier and actually needing nourishment. I knew the pediatrician's appointment was around the corner, so I waited to talk to her before we did anything. She confirmed that Madeline went to bed way too late and while she was thriving, she needed to learn to put herself to sleep. We were going to wait until I came back from my Texas visit to do anything because we figured any good we did could be quickly undone in a foreign environment.

Until one night.

One of those every-hour-on-the-hour wake up calls kept me from sleeping. At about 2 am, I couldn't take it any longer. I put her back in her crib completely asleep, went to the restroom and by the time I got done, she was crying. I went into the bedroom, turned the monitor off, closed the doors, and sat in the glider in her room and watched her cry.

And cry.
And cry.
And cry.

For two hours.

We both cried. I'd tell her we loved her. Pat her back every once and a while. Try to give her the pacifier. But I didn't pick her up. I'd move her to the center of the crib when she'd wedge herself in the corner. Craig came in at the hour and a half mark and picked her up and tried to soothe her, but she was so far gone. So she cried for 30 more minutes in his arms. Then, he handed her to me and I nursed her to sleep.

And she slept until 9 am the next morning. Five hours in a row. Wow.

I was really not looking forward to a repeat performance the following night, but I knew I had to be consistent with her. Gratefully, she only woke once the following night to nurse.

Are things perfect? No. Does she still resist sleep? Sometimes, especially during the day. But overall, things are so much better. She is going to bed around 8:45, and we're working on pushing that back to 8. When she does sleep, she wakes up so happy. When she doesn't get the sleep she needs, she just barely hangs on during her awake time. I can now put her down awake and she'll mostly go to sleep on her own. Sometimes she protests vocally, but it's not too long anymore (mostly). I've even seen her wake up, look around and fall back asleep on her own (I love video monitors).

It kills me to listen to her cry, especially since she knows how to belt it out. It's still hard on me to listen to her cry. It is unnatural to not pick up a screaming baby! I know letting a baby cry is against those attachment parent-types. But, I really do believe that her needs were not being met by us picking her up every time she cried at night. I don't know of many people who can function waking up with a baby 10 times a night. (And yes, I realize that co-sleeping would have probably solved this, but I will not co-sleep. The risk isn't worth it, to me at least. If it's your thing, then keep on! I respect your camp. I hope you respect mine.)

So, there it is. We let her cry. I pray the our next child doesn't need this kind of parenting! It's NOT easy!