When things don't go according to plan

I went into labor about 36 hours ago. In that time, I experienced the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life - go through natural childbirth.

Things went according to plan.

But today, I'm going to have to experience something not according to my plan and something much harder.

I will be discharged from the hospital today, join the thousands on cars on the road to head to my house and no one will know that something extraordinary happened on the 24th. My car will be empty on the way home as my little boy needs more time to heal.

I could stay all this isn't fair - and believe me, I've thought it many times, but the truth is that the pain I feel right now isn't about fairness. I hear the babies on the hall crying and then stop because their mama is within arm's reach. Oh how I wish I could hear my baby cry! The reality is he's been put through so many tests that he just mostly sleeps as his little body recovers. We missed his first bath because we had opted to wait and have Craig do it the morning after his birth, but Gabe was in the nursery about 7 hours after his birth and in the NICU an hour later. I haven't taken many pictures of Gabe because things just happened so fast and being by his side is more important.

There are things I wish I never had to learn. I wish I never had to learn how to scrub to enter the NICU. I wish I never had to learn how to compartmentalize the emotions I'm feeling because I must be strong for Gabe. I wish his umbilical cord wasn't about to fall off already because of heat lamps he's under have dried it out. I pump, eat, sleep, spend time in the NICU and repeat. I wish there was a sign on the door that said my baby is in the NICU and not in the nursery as most assume when they walk in my room. I'm not sure how it will all balance out when we go home and have to balance a toddler in the mix either. I'm going to rely heavily on friends and family to help out.

I'm so grateful for so many things though. For Craig. He's my rock. For the wonderful friends and family who are praying for our son. For the encouraging words, notes, texts, messages and love.

I know God is in charge. I know He's looking out for my son when I'm not physically there. I know He is good, unwavering, and the ultimate healer. But I tell you, it is hard to completely trust. Knowing and even believing that is different then putting it into practice. But I'm trying.

More details and pictures to come later. Love to you all.